I am not entirely sure what exactly is in store for us. Mr. C is active in his addiction. He relapsed quite some time ago and doesn't appear to be making any effort to regain sobriety. Last week I caught him texting with three different girls. Two of them were customers he had been flirting with at his place of employment. The third happened after cruising craigslist from the computer at work.
I am devastated and feeling so hopeless. Two nights ago he once again went missing. He always has a very pathetic excuse as to why he disappeared from work, failed to call, and doesn't answer my calls to his cell phone. I am so weary of this rollercoaster.
We had been planning a move to the west coast and now I am struggling. He says he is committed to recovery but his actions paint a different picture. It has become so normal for him to lie and deceive me. He has no idea how hurtful his behavior is, or maybe he does but he just doesn't care. At this point leaving him would be less painful than staying with him.
Maybe I should? Maybe I need to just go do something for myself. He obviously doesn't worry about me because he doesn't make any attempt to get better. I am pretty sure if I leave he will go crazy and binge on craigslist hook ups and dating site girls. That seems to be his main concern in life.
The struggle I am having is how hard do you fight for someone to get help with an addiction that is consuming them? My husband is in there somewhere but I don't see him anymore. The addict is constantly present. In 7 months this addiction has thoroughly consumed Mr. C and it is terrifying.
I feel so alone in the world and have the weight of it all on my shoulders. It makes me angry and irrational. The pain is so overwhelming that some days it takes everything I have to just get out of bed. That isn't like me. My natural state of being is happy. I thrive in positivity. This is all getting to be too much. I am growing to dislike my husband. Mr. C has been my best friend for 15 years. It is sad to imagine not having him in my life but with how he treats me these days it is more painful to stay with him than leave.
I am just not sure what our future holds.
